Photo/illustration: Alex Tomoff

1.

Potap was used to it; every time his wife was in one of her moods, it was best for him to just shut up and listen silently to everything she had to say or shout at him. He also had to be mindful of his body language. Smiling could be taken the wrong way, being too serious or glum too. He had to hide behind a mask of something in-between. Then the hug would follow. That was his final master stroke as he held Andreana’s sobbing body.

It was still too early for the hug.

‘One small thing. I asked you. For just. One. Small. Thing!’

Potap recoiled in pain but only internally. On the outside, he still wore his mask.

‘I simply asked you to give me a hand and get the shopping done. For your daughter! For fuck’s sake! I asked you to buy some decent products so I can make her a sandwich for tomorrow. I wanted to make her a sandwich, goddammit! I’ve had enough of her eating that McDonald’s crap!’

Potap unconsciously picked the edge of the table with his thumbnail, sitting a little to the side, legs crossed, studying his wife. When he noticed what he was doing, he quickly lowered his hand under the table and covered it with his other hand. He glanced guiltily at the table then at Andreana. The next moment, the previous expression returned to his face.

He saw it. She was about to start crying.

‘Did I ask you to do the laundry? No. Did I ask you to cook? No. Did I ask you something impossible? No. What did I ask you to do, eh?’

‘Buy food for Julia.’

‘To. Buy. Food. For Julia.’ The crying was coming. ‘I work too. I work as much as you do.’

‘Yes, darling.’

‘But when I get off work, I have more work to do here at home.’

‘I know, honey. I’m sorry.’

Potap had one thing left to do: calculate how much time he had before the crying. Then Andreana would need him, and he had to be there for her. But he might have a bit of time left. It seemed like the case. ‘I’ll go to the store, darling. I’ll buy everything on the list.’ He rose carefully and put on a jacket.

Hoping he had calculated the time right, Potap sped out the front door, hopped inside the car and ran two red lights to get to the store. He got everything on the shopping list and repeated the whole rush and the red lights on the way back. Lately, it was becoming a habit of his to forget to do the shopping.

He was home.

His wife sat at the table, unblinking. She stared in front of her, looking like her soul was elsewhere and only her body was present, waiting for her to return.

Soon.

2.

She cowered like a small child and cuddled next to Potap. She put her face on his chest and cried.

Potap dropped the shopping bag on the floor and put his arms around his wife. He shielded her from the world.

3.

The grass had this odd color now that it was easy to forget it existed outside of photographs—the color of spring. It was well kept and mowed regularly, but the wind could still catch it and make it sway. The motion reminded Potap of the sea waves they would enjoy so much—he, his wife, and their daughter—when they visited the beach every summer.

The wind stopped.

‘Hi, Julia. Dear-dear child, I don’t know how to tell you this. I think Mom’s not ready yet to come back home. She’s home now, for a little while. Again. But she-she started having her moods again. The doctors let her come home, and we thought it would be okay. It still isn’t. It’s just like before—just took her a little longer this time.’ Potap went silent for a moment. ‘Sorry to bother you with this. It’s not for you to worry about. It’s just I think you’re old enough, a grown-up girl, and I know I can talk to you about things like that. I know I can talk to you about all kinds of things.’ Potap let out a deep breath. This time, he didn’t brush off the tears; he let them run down his face. ‘I know she’ll be all right soon and she’ll be home again. I know she’ll be ready. I know …’ The last word caught in his throat because of the tears. ‘I know …’ he said again with more assurance and cleared his throat. Then he attempted a smile and stood up on the lawn. He bent slightly forward, put one hand on the tombstone and stroked it gently. Then he kissed it. ‘See you tomorrow, Julia,’ he said in a calmer voice and walked towards the car.

On the way back, he didn’t forget to stop by the store and get Andreana’s shopping list done. He smiled to the lady at the counter and wished her a good night.